


this is love, and this is hell

by cutepoison



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, PTSD, Post-Azkaban
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 12:27:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11275326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cutepoison/pseuds/cutepoison
Summary: Nobody knew Sirius wasn’t his same old self; the self he was before Wormtail’s betrayal, before Voldemort, before Azkaban; the self he was before the world turned against him.





	this is love, and this is hell

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in thirty minutes and cried while doing it, so. Enjoy??
> 
> Title taken from the song Flesh And Bone by Keaton Henson

Nobody knew Sirius was different.

Nobody knew Sirius wasn’t his same old self; the self he was before Wormtail’s betrayal, before Voldemort, before Azkaban; the self he was before the world turned against him.

His eyes were wearier, his smile not as genuine.

Nobody knew Sirius was a changed man because nobody had known him _before_. Harry didn’t know him, Hermione or Ron. Not even The Order.

Remus knew him, though. God, Remus knew him like the back of his own two hands. He knew Sirius better than anyone, and Remus could see just how much he’d changed.

The spirited soul Remus once knew had been taken away, swallowed whole. The beautiful boy Remus once loved had disappeared, replaced with an empty shell of a man.

The nightmares were constant, the yelling and lashing out becoming more perpetual. It got worse as time wore on, but Remus wasn’t going to leave him. Nobody could take care of him like he could.

“I got you,” Remus whispered into chocolate-brown hair, arms tightening around a too-thin torso trembling with post-traumatic stress. “I’m here. I have you.”

Sirius fought between the urge to pull away or fall back into once familiar arms. He couldn’t think, could barely breathe. He eventually clutched to the arms encircling his body, jaw clenched so tightly his teeth ached.

 _But you’ll go away. You always do_ , Sirius wanted to say. _You’re not real. This isn’t real._

“I love you,” Remus uttered, pressing a firm kiss to the back of Sirius’ sweaty neck.

A sob, a broken _I love you too, Moony_ , and Sirius dissolved into a puddle of tears and unnecessary apologies.

Nobody knew Sirius was different, but that was okay.

This Sirius was for Remus’ eyes only. This Sirius was still beautiful. This Sirius was still Remus’.


End file.
